What We Learned From the Oscars

• Hilary Swank has officially used up all of her "Aw shucks, I'm just a bumpkin" cute points.
  
• Sean Penn has no sense of humor (technically this isn't something we learned, just a reaffirmation).
  
• Dustin Hoffman is either a raging drunk or he's turning into Rain Man (or he just understandably needed self-medication to appear in public with Barbra Streisand).
  
• Chris Rock should host every awards ceremony.
  
• Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek should never speak—especially not together.
  
• The Academy has bred a race of giant, Amazonian onstage ushers.
  
• Sidney Lumet has made an unbelievably large number of movies we've never heard of.
  
• Scarlett Johansson is the Academy's bitch.
  
• Renée Zellweger seriously needs to eat something.
  
• Beyoncé has the strongest eyelids in Hollywood (take that, Jessica Simpson).
  
• Apparently Whoopi Goldberg was the best they could do for a Johnny Carson retrospective.