Monday, March 21, 2005

Deep Throat Death Watch

Ever since I heard the news in February that Watergate tattletale Deep Throat is ailing and will be identified soon, I've felt a little rush of anticipation upon learning of a celebrity death.

I've also learned to live with disappointment. My Hunter S. Thompson theory didn't pan out, and I was way off base with Sandra Dee.

I fear that the latest spate of passings won't bring us any closer. John DeLorean is definitely out. You would think that Bobby Short could be similarly dismissed, but he did perform at the White House for every president since Nixon. That's right: Nixon. Makes you think, doesn't it? OK, not really.

At least George F. Kennan, whom the New York Times rightly notes was "the nearest thing to a legend that this country's diplomatic service has ever produced" (OK, they're quoting historian Ronald Steel, so the Times noted that it was noted, but anyway...), worked in government. Vitiating against him is the fact that he was already 69 in 1973 and that the tips to Woodward and Bernstein were not sent by telegram. I think Kennan can be ruled out.

So, the guessing game continues. I have half my money on the Pope, who could have orchestrated Nixon's downfall in order to practice for the liberation of Poland (hey, it's possible). The other half is on Dick Clark who, if Star can be trusted, is on the verge of spinning his last Tommy and the Shondells 45. The Nixon White House was, through its ties to Drug Czar progenitor Elvis Presley, deeply indebted to early Rock & Roll—a fact that Clark would have been all too happy to exploit.

Think you know better than me? Add a comment with your guess and join the Deep Throat Death Pool. Those who answer correctly win a photo of my dog and a dollar. (In the event of multiple winners, the prize money will be split up just like in the lottery. Unlike the lottery, however, your chances of winning are probably better than 1 in 10,000,000.) Include your email address if you want to win schwag.

P.S. No guesses for Mark Felt!
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