Saturday, April 02, 2005

Hollywood Oil for Food Program

The UN Oil for Food program lies in tatters. American demand for foreign crude is at an all-time high. Instead of kowtowing to Persian Gulf theocracies and despoiling the Alaskan tundra, why doesn't the US government exploit the vast store of natural resources ripe for the taking on the West Coast?

In addition to reducing American dependence upon foreign energy sources, the US Oil for Food program could achieve an even more difficult goal: actually finding a use for the skankiest, most underfed celebrities in Hollywood.

Geologists have already mapped out Phase I of the plan, which calls for the exploitation of Hollywood's so-called "superfields":

Experts predict that the Christina Aguilera, Kevin Federline and Ashlee Simpson fields can be counted on to produce at high volume for years to come in exchange for a minimal investment in food, most of which has already been pledged by the Frito-Lay Corporation and Tootsie Roll Industries, manufacturer of the Charleston Chew.

Further geological research has been focusing on the highly promising Paris Hilton and Tara Reid fields, and scientists are convinced that they're on the verge of a major discovery in Maggie Gyllenhaal's hair.

Ed Begley, Jr. has been running a whole fleet of cars for years on nothing but compost and drippings from John Travolta's forehead. Isn't it time we followed him into the future?
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