Thursday, September 22, 2005

FBI Kicks Against the Pricks

The FBI is looking for a few good men to join in the noble fight against one of the greatest menaces facing our country. I am talking, of course, about porn. Not kiddie porn, mind you, but good, old-fashioned American porn, made by—and for—consenting adults.

The War on Porn was described as "one of the top priorities" for Attorney General Alberto "You Can Call Me Meese" Gonzales and the FBI Director Robert Mueller. In order to combat the threat adult pornography allegedly poses to families and children, this porno posse will gather evidence to prosecute manufacturers of smut using anti-obscenity laws. Too bad Deep Throat no longer works for the Bureau. I bet he really knew obscenity when he saw it.

Upon learning of this recruitment drive, the right-wing "think" tank Family Research Council—once critics of the (in their view) insufficiently draconian Gonzales—waxed poetic about their "growing sense of confidence in our new attorney general."

I also welcomed this news with relief. After all, if the FBI can afford to sic their P-Men on Jenna Jameson, et. al., that must mean that the problems of terrorism, violent crime, drugs, the mafia, cyber-crime and jaywalking have all been licked, if you will.

One FBI agent told the Washington Post, "I guess this means we've won the war on terror.... We must not need any more resources for espionage."

Hallelujah! Details on exactly how the War on Porn will be waged aren't fully fleshed out, but one thing's for sure: this is one war that's bound to have a happy ending.
Listed on BlogShares