Thursday, September 08, 2005

An Open Letter to MTV

September is a cursed month. Twice in the past five years—once in 2001 and again in 2005—your gala Video Music Awards have been overshadowed by unspeakable national tragedies. And each time the tendrils of doom grasp at the throat of America, we look back at the VMAs in disbelief at the worthless nonsense that occupied our thoughts in times of relative innocence.

Do you really want Puff Daddy—er, sorry, Diddy—to be the national symbol of shallow hubris? Perhaps it's time to consider moving the award ceremonies to the beginning of August. Nothing ever happens in August. Cindy Sheehan doesn't count.

That way, In Touch and US Weekly would have a whole month to obsess over how nice Gwen Stefani looked, or how hideous Jessica Simpson looked before disaster strikes. We'll have enough time to properly reflect on the grand questions stirred up by the VMAs: Why do people take Green Day so seriously? Don't they suck? What the hell is wrong with R. Kelly?

As a nation, we need time to digest between atrocities. So, move the VMAs. Think about it, MTV.
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