Monday, November 07, 2005

Bush Sweet Talks Nation

While touting free trade agreements and dodging anti-Bush protests in South and Central America, our president was able to take a moment to address growing fears that the United States government is engaged in widespread torture of War on Terror detainees.

Here—more or less—is what he had to say:
We are at war with an enemy that lurks and plots and plans and wants to hurt America again. And so, you bet, we'll aggressively pursue them, but we'll do so under the law. We do not torture. Really, I swear. We don't. C'mon, I'm trying to be serious here! Hey, where are you going? Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. No, that's not Dick Cheney. He's at our top secret CIA prison in Bu—eh, I mean he's catching up on paperwork in Washington. Yeah. Washington. Why am I threatening to use the first veto of my presidency to nix legislation that would outlaw torture at the same time that I'm saying we don't do that kind of thing? I'm glad you asked. You see, a veto is like the shotgun you keep ready and loaded in the hall closet. Every so often, you just gotta take that baby out and make sure it works for when you really need it. Since we already don't torture people, we technically don't have a need for the law, so it's a good one to practice on. Plus, you can't beat that inflated sense of self-esteem.
I don't know about you, but I feel so much better now. I also have a strange urge to go skeet shooting.
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