Thursday, December 15, 2005

The End Times

This is why we, as a civilization, deserve to be wiped off the face of the planet: Lycos has come out with its "Lycos 50," a list of the top 100 Internet search terms for 2005, and holding the coveted number one spot is none other than America's favorite trust-fund hussy, Paris Hilton. Fire and brimstone is too good for us.

Rounding out the Top 10 are:
    2. Pamela Anderson
    3. Britney Spears
    4. Poker
    5. Dragonball
    6. Jennifer Lopez
    7. WWE
    8. Pokemon
    9. Playstation
    10. Hurricane Katrina
It's true, the worst natural disaster in recent American history was only the tenth most popular Internet search term. Far, far behind the number two seach term, which is the worst man-made disaster in recent American history. This list seems to cater almost exclusively to 13-year-old boys and, well, creepy grown men who behave like 13-year-old boys. Can you even imagine the sheer amount of masturbation this list implies?

The next ten aren't much better, but the Asian tsunami does make an appearance at number 15, showing that people have time to show a little heart once they're done looking at boobs. The list also helps us keep tabs on the battle of the tween superstars, with Lindsay Lohan coming in at number 17, three spots above arch-rival Hilary Duff. That could set off a tremendous cat fight which would in turn prompt millions of 13-year-old boys to masturbate. So goes the cycle of life.

Freakish Christian fundamentalists will be happy to know that "Christmas" comes in at number 26, one spot above the satanic Harry Potter, and lonely married women may be heartened by the fact that "Golf" fell from position 46 last year to number 98 this year. I guess you just can't masturbate to golf (and if you can, please don't write in to tell me). has released their own year-end list of the most looked-up words of 2005, one for each letter of the alphabet. The results here are similarly disconcerting. It's a fair bet that anyone who has to look up a word like "virtue" or "benevolent" is beyond help. The same can be said of all the people who searched for "irony," and I don't even want to think about why all those people had to search for the meaning of "love."

One surprise on the list was "karma." It could be chalked up to people who watch "My Name Is Earl," but I suspect the significance goes a bit deeper than that. It's pretty clear from the obsessions of the Internet savants that our world is in deep, deep trouble. Maybe people just want to read up on the thing that's going to get them in the end.
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