Monday, March 13, 2006

Slobo vs. the Super-Hos

Slobodan Milosevic, the infamous "Butcher of the Balkans", is dead. No great loss for humanity, but there's a real sense that he escaped judgment for his hideous crimes. Not that you'd really know any of this from watching the news over the weekend.

Sure, Slobo made the crawl on all the major news networks, but there was barely a mention of the former nemesis of America on the programs themselves. Apparently the dead Dubai ports deal was a more pressing concern to the American public. We've moved on to a new war, you see, and there's no sense getting distracted by one that we actually won. Conservatives don't want to speak of it for fear of having to say something positive about President Clinton. Liberals don't want to mention it for fear of having to admit that American military might can actually be used for good.

Coverage of Milosevic's death has been better on the Internet, but, as always, the Web is a reflection of our true inner selves. This morning, a Google News search for "Slobodan Milosevic" yielded 6,510 hits. That's a pretty flimsy number, considering the shadow he cast over Europe in the 1990s. By way of comparison, Google News searches for "Paris Hilton" and "Britney Spears" yielded 3,810 and 3,050 hits, respectively, even though they haven't done a single newsworthy thing in recent memory.

That's Google News, mind you, not plain old Google, where the two blonde bimbos utterly blow poor Slobo out of the water. Let's see what news events are behind these numbers.

Slobodan Milosevic
  • Died
  • May have been poisoned in prison
  • Was on trial at the Hague for crimes against humanity
  • Used nationalism to justify genocide and ethnic cleansing in the former Yugoslavia
Paris Hilton
  • Didn't die
  • May have been drunk
  • Is allegedly considering a tummy tuck
  • Possibly has a broken toe
  • Has a restraining order against her because she's batshit crazy
  • Has repeatedly been accused of crimes against fashion and basic decency
Britney Spears
  • Didn't die, either
  • May have been drunk
  • Might be having another baby
  • Definitely went to Hawaii
  • Is not that innocent
  • Has repeatedly been accused of crimes against the human genome
Actually, when you put those two together, they really are as important as Slobodan Milosevic. After all, what the two tarts did happened in America, where Slobo's so 1999. Get with the times!

If you're looking for another reason why America should be wiped off the face of the planet, you'll find it here.
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