Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Heirborne Contagion

And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say, A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of barley for a penny; and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine. And when he had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, "Paris Hilton Plans Reggae, Hip Hop Album."

Millenialists, biblical numerologists and assorted whackjobs are looking to June 6, 2006 (6/6/06) with a mix of anticipation and trepidation, hoping for and/or fearing the End of the World. Well, they're not looking for the right kind of signs. Paris Hilton's forthcoming reggae/hip hop album is the clearest indication we've had yet that God's wrath is upon us. What's worse, the album is said to include a cover version of "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?" by Rod Stewart (one of the Four Horsemen, by the way—the pale one). Adding insult to mortal (and quite possibly immortal) injury, "Hilton said she wrote the lyrics to seven of her songs." Seven songs…seven seals. Anybody?

According to the Yahoo/AP story, Hilton had to overcome "shyness" to be able to sing in front of people.
I have always had a voice and always known I could sing, but I was too shy to let it come out. I think that is the hardest thing you can do, to sing in front of people. When I finally let go and did it, I realized it is what I am most talented at and what I love to do the most.
There are a lot of words that come to mind when I think of Paris Hilton—some of them even beginning with the letter "s"—but "shy" isn't one of them. Maybe I was just thrown off by the reality TV series, bootleg porno, Vanity Fair photo spreads, ghost-written books, publicity tours, TV commercials, ostentatious public relationships, non-stop partying and assorted public scandals.

And in case you needed another reason to hate the music industry, her first single, "Stars Are Blind," (not to mention deaf and dumb) will be released this month by Warner Records. Note to Hollywood: Stop feeding Paris Hilton! Maybe she'll just go away.

For the rest of us—people who don't get everything we could ever want handed to us on a silver platter that's been dipped in gold and lined with diamonds that were mined in Eldorado by magic fairies—it's time to repent, for the day of judgment is upon us.
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