Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Sharia Watch

James Dobson of Focus on the Family, one of the nation's most influential evangelical Christians who has yet to be exposed as a reckless homosexual meth-head with a penchant for body-building male prostitutes, called up US News to weigh in on the 2008 presidential race.

His most headline-grabbing statement was that Fred Thompson is unfit for the nation's highest office. Why is that? "I don't think he's a Christian," said Dobson, "at least that's my impression." Dobson is one of those extra-special patriots who loves America but hates that pesky Constitution of ours. Allow me to quote from Article VI, if I may:
...no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States.
Seems pretty clear cut. It doesn't say anything about the United States of Jesus, I suppose.

Never mind that Thompson actually is a Christian. He was, according to his spokesman, "baptized into the Church of Christ."

UCC? Nice try.

Focus on the Family spokesman Gary Schneeberger clarified everything in a follow-up call:
We use that word—Christian—to refer to people who are evangelical Christians.
The rest are all going to hell with the Democrats, so who cares what you call 'em, right? This would be a shocking claim had we not already been conditioned to see the evangelical leadership in this country as a braying pack of cynical, partisan, irreligious bigots. Orwell would be impressed, anyway.

If not Thompson in 2008, then who? Of course Giuliani and McCain are out, and Dobson still can't wrap his tiny brain around the fact that Romney is a Mormon. But there is one guy that Dobson likes: Newt Gingrich.

Yes, that lover of family values who abandoned his cancerous wife and carried on an extra-marital affair with a younger woman at the very same time he was leading the witch hunt against Bill Clinton for, you guessed it, carrying on an extra-marital affair with a younger woman.

Great choice, Dobson! And who knew you still had any soul left to sell? Just try to ignore that smell of sulfur and, whatever you do, do not ask "what would Jesus do".
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